is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
