It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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