dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
