I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
