Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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