You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
