sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
