I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize