we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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