i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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