dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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