Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
