To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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