Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
