I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
