my mouth tastes like poor choices
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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