Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
