The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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