I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
