Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
