God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize