so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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