You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
