Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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