tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I pour the whiskey from now on
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
