Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
