what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We are two peas in an std pod
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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