So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize