Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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