There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
