If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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