I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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