Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
