Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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