I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
