Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
