omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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