I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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