I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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