White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
