I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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