I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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