They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
