I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
What changed your mind?
Being sober
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
