I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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