My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
