Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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