My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
