I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
