I faked an abortion last night.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
