On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You need Xanax blowdarts
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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