the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
