this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
