If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize