btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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