My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
