you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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