Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
