JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
