I met the friendliest cop last night
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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