Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
