all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize