I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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