my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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